Event Report

"There was some serious racing going on,
and lots of it, right from the start!"


Text by Dave Pratt — Photos by everybody!

Yes, folks, you heard that right!  Not only did all three Alfa Romeo Milanos entered in the 24 Hours of LeMons race at Stafford Speedway on August 23-24 finish the grueling endurance competition, but they took half of the top six spots!

The top Alfa finisher was Scuderia Limoni, the team comprising AONE Directors Brian Shorey and Kevin Redden plus a few of their coworkers, who ended up in a solid 3rd Place. In 5th Place (only one lap behind 4th!) was Scuderia Testa di Spillo, the team of AONE member Kevin Oliver and friends. And in 6th Place was Team Pro-Crass-Duh-Nation, a group of guys from Connecticut / Long Island. All in all, an extremely impressive display of Alfa Romeo durability and Alfista mechanical, strategic, and driving talent!

The weekend started early Saturday morning with the teams arriving, setting up in the paddock area, unloading the cars, tools, and spares from the trailers, and going through tech inspection—just like a real race. Many of the cars sported humorous appendages, such as a machine gunner on the roof, taxicab paint jobs, and blow-up doll passengers. All three Alfas wore rubber chickens on their trunks—an homage to the memory of legendary Alfa driver and track preparer Al Leake.

There was a driver’s meeting at 11:30, parts of which would have made a great comedic segment on late-night TV. At noon, the cars were on the track, the green flag dropped, and they were off!

Despite the capricious, arbitrary, and downright comical rules for the event, there was some serious racing going on, and lots of it, right from the start! The track was laid out with many turns, which not only kept the speeds relatively reasonable but made for a lot of excitement. This was no mere time trial scenario—this was real wheel-to-wheel racing! The restricted monetary value of the cars led to a certain lack of inhibition among the drivers, although a strict "no-contact" rule was enforced (drivers whose cars made contact were black-flagged, duct taped together at the knees, and made to fetch refreshments from the concession stand and take them to the corner workers).

Other infractions were penalized at the whim of the officials, and black-flagged drivers were often assessed penalties by throwing a dart at the Wheel of Misfortune, with the resulting punishments ranging from tar-and-feathering (using corn syrup) to having a metal farm animal welded to your car (such as fornicating hares if you’re driving too slowly) to driver training (wearing a shock collar) to the "O.J." (getting off scot-free).

But the on-track action was exciting and entertaining, with spin-outs, passing on sharp curves, off-track excursions, and flying car parts—two days’ worth of non-stop automotive delirium! Saturday’s racing went from noon till 9:30 at night, when everybody knocked off for a little partying and then some shut-eye.

The highlight of Sunday morning was the presentation of the People’s Curse award, which went to a diesel Mercedes that always seemed to be in everybody else’s way the day before. (A certain large Jaguar with fornicating hares welded to its roof received a lot of votes too.) As penance, its throttle was held wide open while all of the other team captains poured whatever they wanted down the oil filler (milk of magnesia, Coca Cola, peanuts, etc.). The damned thing slowed but didn’t seize. The Mercedes team worked on it for a long time and rejoined the fray late in the afternoon.

The Sunday race session ran from noon till 5 pm, with all of the teams vying to accumulate as many laps as possible while avoiding the other cars, serious breakdowns, and the penalty box. The Scuderia Limoni Milano got rear-ended pretty well by the race-winning Miata, but no black flags came out (probably, as one wag put it, because the officials couldn’t tell a Milano that had been rear-ended from one that hadn’t). At 5 o’clock, the checkered flag dropped, the laps and penalties were tallied, and the award ceremonies began, with the Milanos scoring an amazing 3-5-6 finish, a feat that hasn’t been accomplished since Alfa Romeo’s glory days in the 1930’s!

This little write-up doesn’t even begin to tell the whole story! For that, stay tuned to future issues of Velocissima, and you’ll definitely want to visit the web resources listed below:

One thing that must also be mentioned is the camaraderie amongst all of the competitors in the pits, especially between the three Alfa contingents. They really felt like they were a single three-car team!

Congratulations to all of our Alfa Romeo heroes on their fabulous performances in preparing for, driving in, and surviving the 24 Hours of LeMons!Tiny Quadrifoglio

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